Lady Lazarus

She opens the medicine cabinet.. An old Tupperware container at the back with no lid, stuffed with sheets of pills.She pulls the box out and empties it on the bed. Sitting cross-legged on the bed, she carefully tears each tab and empties the pill into the palm of her hand and places it on the bedside table with a glass top. She drags the cane bin with her leg and positions it under the bed for easy access. She carefully crushes each discarded piece of the foil tab and chucks it in the bin. As she empties the last pill from the last tab on to her palm and places it on the table, we see the pills- neatly arranged in straight rows and columns. Pale pink, white and yellow. Her mind is a blank except for some disconnected lines of Anne Sexton and Plath that she thrived on in morbid fascination. But those words were playing themselves out now...She felt strangely disconnected. Like she was watching an orchestrated charade play out. The words ringing in her head like a meditative chant...

It's a ceremony
but like any other sport
it's full of rules.
It's like a musical tennis match where
my mouth keeps catching the ball.
Then I lie on; my altar
elevated by the eight chemical kisses.

What a lay me down this is
with two pink, two orange,
two green, two white goodnights.
Fee-fi-fo-fum-
Now I'm borrowed.
Now I'm numb.

And it went on....Fee-fi-fo-fum....now I'm borrowed, now I'm numb....With each pill....fee-fi-fo-fum....and then one more....

All 22 of them. She pushes an odd pill which had fallen out of line, in place and smiles in satisfaction.

She looks up at the clock. It’s quarter past 11.

She gets up, turns on the music system. To the 9^th symphony, she goes about tidying up her room. She folds the sheets finally, pours herself a glass of water and settles back in her bed. She looks up at the clock. It says ten minutes to 12. She shuts her eyes, takes a deep breath, turns to the table and takes a pale pink pill from the first row in her hand and rolls it in her palm. Then in one swift movement she pops it in her mouth and gulps down a swig of water.

She starts to gag, unable to take another sip of water as she is down to the last four. Her eyes are streaming from the effort to stifle down the puky feeling. 

Now I'm borrowed, now I'm numb.....